Bresee May Have Been "Closet Muslim"

Lenexa, KS (HH) The new headquarters for the Church of the Nazarene was thrown into turmoil this afternoon with the revelation that genealogists have discovered that Phineas Bresee is a distant cousin of Vice President Dick Cheney. This revelation is even more disturbing since these same genealogists recently discovered that Dick Cheney is related to Senator Barack Obama.

Obama's conversion to Christianity has long been suspect since he is related to known Muslims. Now that his relationship to Cheney is know, many are beginning to suspect Cheney's true religious allegiances, and that he may be a closet Muslim as well. Blood being thicker than water, now that Bresee's relationship with Cheney is documented, and confirmation of his relationship with Obama is likely, many Nazarene's are beginning to suspect Bresee's true commitment to Evangelical Holiness Christianity.

"I hate to say it, but there has always been a sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind," stated an employee of the Nazarene Archives, on condition of anonymity. "Bresee always had this thing against drinking alcohol, and records show that his commitment to abstinence from tobacco was somewhat weak. Evidently he was initially opposed to banning the use of tobacco among church members, and reluctantly agreed to give up his pipe for the sake of unity. But he sill had the audacity to have an official church portrait made of him with his pipe. Fortunately, we've done a pretty good job of purging that from the public record. I must say though, his attitudes are fairly consistent with Islams rules, prohibition of alcohol, but not of tobacco. You know," he stated thoughtfully while contemplating photos of Bresee and Cheney, "there definitely is no denying the family resemblance."

Photo Reveals Early Nazarene Symbols

Described by Nazarene historian Timothy Smith as “Spiritual Shock Troops” Nazarene youth organizations can trace their origin back Phineas Bresee’s church in Los Angeles.(Breese) Initially organized into two groups, the Brotherhood of St. Stephen for boys and Company E. for girls. Over the years the Nazarene youth organizations went through a series of restructuring to become the Nazarene Youth International (NYI) we know today.(Girvin)

From the early days we find fascinating references to youth that were fired up for worship and evangelism. The youth groups in Dr. Bresee's church grew to over two hundred average attendance and demonstrated that while they were eager to do God’s work, they were not averse to incorporating fun into their activities. Each year the church would charter a train that carried up to 1000 people to spend a day at Long Beach or Plaza del Rey. Fun activities included “boating, bathing and a picnic, followed by a late afternoon evangelistic service;” these beach getaways were described as “the real way of having a picnic, as is customary with the
Nazarenes.”(Smith)

Due to the primitive state of photographic technology in the early 20^th century, very few pictures are available showing these early Nazarenes in their frivolity during their trips to the beach. Fortunately, Holy Hijinx has recently acquired a photograph that may depict what Phineas Bresee may have looked like when he was at the beach. In the Photo Dr. Bresee appears to be modeling tattoos that may be prototypes of contemporary Nazarene logos.

The upper tattoo centered on his left deltoid depicts Jesus providing care to the sick, this symbol is similar to the logo used by Nazarene Compassionate Ministries. The second tattoo appears to be a pseudo-tribal depiction of the descending dove and flame, a common graphic depiction symbolizing the Holy Spirit cleansing and empowering followers of Christ. The image of the dove and flame are similar to those that are now part of the denominational seal.

Our archivists speculate that the discovery of this photograph demonstrates that Dr. Bresee's visionary leadership extended beyond the theological and organizational development of the denomination and into the creation of the symbols that would become important in inspiring his followers to greater piety and service to others.

Holy Tortilla! Nazarene Founder's Image Discovered on Tortilla

Pilot Point, TX (Nazarene Information Communication Service) Nazarenes from around the world are flocking to the site where the denomination was founded. They are coming here to view a tortilla bearing the likeness of Phineas Bresee, the founding General Superintendent of the Church of the Nazarene.

Current Nazarene leadership can hardly contain their excitement regarding the discovery. One elder commented that the discovery of this unique artifact at the site of the denomination's founding, and on the eve of it's centennial celebration, is certainly evidence of God's continued favor on the small, but visionary denomination. He further went on to state that the tortilla, an undoubtedly foreign food in a land of smoked brisket and brats, serves as confirmation of the international stance of the denomination.

To prevent the many hungry and enthusiastic pilgrims from consuming the tortilla, it has been secured in a hermetically sealed display case where pilgrims may view it, but not mistake it for an item in the potluck line. Arrangements are being made to display the tortilla will be displayed at the new denominational headquarters in Lenexa, Kansas.