Saturday, May 23, 2015

This is a real text conversation between a hipster pastor who owns a Herbie the Love Bug car and his friend who saw a Herbie the Love Bug car in the parking lot near a local watering hole.

Friend: Hey, if you drove out here to interview for a church, I suggest you not let the board see your "I LoveHooters" bumper sticker, they aren't as progressive out here as they are where you are from.

Pastor: Lol- yea but if I drove all the way out there in my bug they would know I am a man of great faith. Plus- who doesn't like hooters?

Friend: True, They have good wings, and I've seen naz u students drinking beer at a local sports bar.  

Pastor: Oh- when I said "who doesn't like hooters" I meant breasts ;)

Friend: Like in chicken, of course.

Pastor: I was thinking of women- but that's just me ;)

Friend: Yep, you're not getting called to that church...

Resident Space Aliens Establish Rapture Training Camp

Roswell, New Mexico – Nazarene youth participate in first ever rapture training camp conducted by space aliens who have recently been granted resident status by the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).  The youth group of Living Oaks Church of the Nazarene had the unique opportunity to participate in a pioneer project designed to help Christians prepare for the rapture.

 While visiting in Roswell on their return journey from a recent Work and Witness trip to Albuquerque, they were the first large group to have a close encounter with Resident Space Aliens (RSA). During the encounter the RSA told them about their new business designed to help Christians prepare for the rapture. The RSA explained that one of the conditions that the INS placed on them is that they could no longer abduct humans for experimentation purposes. The INS did, however, allow them to keep their teletransport equipment and permitted them to use it for financial gain on the condition that they used it for “peaceful purposes.”

The Living Oaks Teens needing a break from the monotony of a long journey and intrigued by the chance to be “snatched” just like in the rapture elected to take advantage of this novel opportunity. So for the low, low introductory price of twenty seven dollars for all the members of the Living Oaks Mission Team, the RSA conducted the first mass practice rapture in history. After a few false starts due to the RSAs inexperience with such a large abduction rapture simulation, the group was finally teleported aboard the space craft.

 After a brief visit and tour, the troupe saw the room where experimentations were formerly conducted, but which now had been converted into a museum and souvenir shop. Inside the museum, the troupe met several interesting individuals possessing vast knowledge regarding space aliens, lost space craft and alien abductions. It is uncertain whether these individuals were RSAs, other Christians participating in rapture practice, or humans who were abducted before RSA was granted resident status that had elected to stay with the aliens as the result of some bizarre manifestation of Stockholm syndrome.

Once they had purchased their trinkets the group was returned to their vehicles by RSA. The group did briefly fear that Norville R---- had been abducted, because they couldn’t find him for a short time after they left the space ship. They all breathed a sigh of relief when they realized that Norville was merely modeling the latest in invisicloak fashion. The group continued on their journey chattering excitedly about their experience.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Bresee May Have Been "Closet Muslim"

Lenexa, KS (HH) The new headquarters for the Church of the Nazarene was thrown into turmoil this afternoon with the revelation that genealogists have discovered that Phineas Bresee is a distant cousin of Vice President Dick Cheney. This revelation is even more disturbing since these same genealogists recently discovered that Dick Cheney is related to Senator Barack Obama.

Obama's conversion to Christianity has long been suspect since he is related to known Muslims. Now that his relationship to Cheney is know, many are beginning to suspect Cheney's true religious allegiances, and that he may be a closet Muslim as well. Blood being thicker than water, now that Bresee's relationship with Cheney is documented, and confirmation of his relationship with Obama is likely, many Nazarene's are beginning to suspect Bresee's true commitment to Evangelical Holiness Christianity.

"I hate to say it, but there has always been a sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind," stated an employee of the Nazarene Archives, on condition of anonymity. "Bresee always had this thing against drinking alcohol, and records show that his commitment to abstinence from tobacco was somewhat weak. Evidently he was initially opposed to banning the use of tobacco among church members, and reluctantly agreed to give up his pipe for the sake of unity. But he sill had the audacity to have an official church portrait made of him with his pipe. Fortunately, we've done a pretty good job of purging that from the public record. I must say though, his attitudes are fairly consistent with Islams rules, prohibition of alcohol, but not of tobacco. You know," he stated thoughtfully while contemplating photos of Bresee and Cheney, "there definitely is no denying the family resemblance."