Bresee May Have Been "Closet Muslim"

Lenexa, KS (HH) The new headquarters for the Church of the Nazarene was thrown into turmoil this afternoon with the revelation that genealogists have discovered that Phineas Bresee is a distant cousin of Vice President Dick Cheney. This revelation is even more disturbing since these same genealogists recently discovered that Dick Cheney is related to Senator Barack Obama.

Obama's conversion to Christianity has long been suspect since he is related to known Muslims. Now that his relationship to Cheney is know, many are beginning to suspect Cheney's true religious allegiances, and that he may be a closet Muslim as well. Blood being thicker than water, now that Bresee's relationship with Cheney is documented, and confirmation of his relationship with Obama is likely, many Nazarene's are beginning to suspect Bresee's true commitment to Evangelical Holiness Christianity.

"I hate to say it, but there has always been a sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind," stated an employee of the Nazarene Archives, on condition of anonymity. "Bresee always had this thing against drinking alcohol, and records show that his commitment to abstinence from tobacco was somewhat weak. Evidently he was initially opposed to banning the use of tobacco among church members, and reluctantly agreed to give up his pipe for the sake of unity. But he sill had the audacity to have an official church portrait made of him with his pipe. Fortunately, we've done a pretty good job of purging that from the public record. I must say though, his attitudes are fairly consistent with Islams rules, prohibition of alcohol, but not of tobacco. You know," he stated thoughtfully while contemplating photos of Bresee and Cheney, "there definitely is no denying the family resemblance."